Nightime Smoke

Sometimes, at night, I stick my head out of the window and I smoke a cigarette, and I think; that's it, that's my time limit, until that cigarette burns out. And I watch the people walking past and I wonder about them; where they're coming from, where they're going to, what they're going to do in their life, what greatness will come from them?

And I think, if one person notices me I'll be ok. If one person sees me there then it will be alright. But if they don't, if no one looks… Well then I'm invisible already… I'm already gone.

My Week In Pictures

There's been too much happening lately to write about all of it. So I thought I'd show you… This is my life in 7 days…

Swinging around, feeling like King Louie.

Surfing inside a van,,, while it's moving. Bit of a challenge….

Surfing outside the van!

Taping fireworks to a skateboard. Not as risky as it sounds, and a hell of a lot more fun! It doesn't do much, you don't go faster, it just looks pretty!

More road trip to the beach with beautiful people.

Yet another day at yet another beach.

An incredible night out with the girls, and then the boys, but they didn't last long. Our last one in town!!

An unexpected over-nighter at a beach. We arrived a bit too late for the evening swell, so we decided to make use of the random tents we keep in the car and stayed in a little car park on top of the hill,, where we possibly shouldn't have been,, spending the night talking and laughing and pulling silly faces and eating croissants and making each other groan with embarrassment.

Sharing breathtaking sunsets with a breathtaking boy.

More surfing in the morning!

Then jumping from rocks and swimming in the sea. Before stretching out on the stones and letting our bodies dry under the sun.

And then yesterday, he took me sailing. It was the first time I'd ever been, and I never wanted to come back in! There's something so free about being out in the ocean, with nothing modern wordly, just you, the boat and the breeze. And the boy of course. When the sun went down, we were seriously close to just sailing off into the sunset. It felt like we could sail there and reach this place where everything was good, where there was no sickness, no modern world, just us and our boat and our smiles.

'Captured My Mood In A Second'

Just been listening to a bit of music, the way I always do when I'm feeling low, and then these words appeared…

'She got the call today, one out of the grey
And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away
She said she didn’t believe "it could happen to me"
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees'

Wow. Captured my mood in a second. It's incredible how a tune, or just the right words can do that. They somehow grab your attention and scramble your thoughts and refuse to get out of your head. So that's what's on my mind right now.

I had the phone call. I guess everyone's had one like that. But everyone seems to think that their phone call is the end of the world. For me, yeah I guess it was warning me of the end, and I was on my knees for quite a while. But then I stood up and decided that life isn't going to wait for me. To go crazy with the quotes today…

'Too many people die with their music still in them, too often because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it… time runs out.'

So that's what I've been doing. I've stopped getting ready and now I'm really living. If I have to put the rest of my life into a few short years, or maybe even less, then hell, I'm gonna do it with style!!

So in the last few weeks, I have been…. Skating like a fury monster, no more fears about big hills or going too fast, now nothing is too fast! Swimming in the freezing sea and then letting my body heat up under the hot summer sun. Dancing all night in pretty dresses and shoes that make me tall. Living for the nights I forget and the friends I never will. Munching at bbq after bbq after endless bbq while snuggling up in a sleeping bag against the wind. Running, trying to catch the lightening. And then pushing my bed to the window and curling up under the duvet, warming up and watching the thunderstorm.

And, here's the shocker… Falling in love. Snuggling with a boy who understands me completely. Kissing till it makes my toes curl. Dying a little bit inside every time he walks away. Smiling when I think of him. Smiling when I look at him. Smiling when he rolls his eyes at me, and when he laughs at the silly things I say, and when he looks at me like I am the most important thing in his world.

Smiling. Just smiling.

Smoke

I like to watch the smoke.

Soon I'll be in it.

Crowded Train

I've been away for the most perfect few days. I've been holed up in a little caravan on the coast with my best friend and her parents, who have pretty much brought me up as their own. It's the same van where I've lived almost every holiday since I was 12. We spend the days surfing and swimming and snorkelling in this huge rockpool, and at nights we wander the cliffs and sit on this beautiful stone bench where you can see the waves crashing against the rocks and we talk and talk and talk. It's incredible.

I came back on the train today. The earlier train had been cancelled so it was ridiculously overcrowded. I was wedged into the back of a carriage, tucked into the luggage rack and almost pushed out of sight. Three guesses who was there with me. Aden.

I saw him on the platform first and tried to avoid his eye, but he came straight over, of course. He had a surfboard tucked under his arms and wet hair that gave him away. His face played host to a big smile as he came over.

'Hi,' he said, a little breathlessly.

'Hi,' I replied feeling sheepish. 'About the other day-'

'Don't worry about it.' He interrupted before I could apologise. 'You were right, I was sticking my nose into your business. I just wanted to help. I didn't mean to offend you, honestly.'

'It's fine.' I shrugged. 'I'm sorry too'. And then, because I didn't know what to say and because he was looking at me like I was somehow interesting, I asked him how his surf was.

'Incredible!' He exclaimed, almost stumbling over his words in his excitement. 'God, it was mind blowing. One of the best days I've had in a long time. At least overhead, with a really long period so a really easy paddle out.'

I found myself getting captured by his enthusiasm, so when the train pulled in, instead of ducking and covering and running for the furthest carriage, I found myself walking alongside him and following him to the luggage rack. Our boards propped up together behind us, and more people squished in front of us, and suddenly we were closer than I expected.

It was one of those moments where you have complete clarity. I heard somewhere that 'most of our life is a series of images, they pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.' I took in everything about him in that moment. The way his blonde hair curled at the nape of his neck. The three freckles on his forehead, the slight chip in his front tooth, the way his eyes were green towards the edges but a piercing blue in the middle. God, he was beautiful! The way his hands suggested he was uncomfortable being so close to me, to anyone, but the way he looked at me….

And then the moment was gone. It was almost as though I had been looking from the outside of myself and a sudden wrench as the train left the station and I was back and not a second had passed.

I smiled at him as a cover, and threw myself straight back into a conversation about surfing.

I didn't understand that moment, I didn't know if he had experienced it too. All I knew is that I had to talk to him and try and work it out. But we had a two hour train journey ahead of us to do that….

And somehow, I found myself getting as excited as he was about things, laughing about things that didn't matter, things that weren't funny. I found myself getting wrapped up in him and his tales and his bluntness and his openness. He never once mentioned me being sick, and for the first time in months, I didn't think about it once for 2 whole hours.

Him Again

He's here again today. The same guy from before, the blunt one. I'm sat here looking out over the sea and he sits beside me once more.

'Come here often?' He asks and I laugh. 'Aden' he tells me, offering his hand.

'Kalewi,' I tell him.

'So how are we feeling today?' He says, looking at me as though he is looking through me.

'Fine,' I try to say, but he is already carrying on; 'Tired? Sad? Thoughtful? Contemplative?'

I look back at him, my eyes wide, trying to see through him instead. He is tall, and tanned, with sun bleached blonde hair and strong blue eyes that are almost green that light up his face. His body is fit and firm, muscular, from I imagine years of being active.

'Scared?' He adds after a pause.

'What are you talking about?' I try to laugh it off, trying not to show that he's breaking down my defences.

'Sitting up here all by yourself as the sun goes down. None of your noisy friends here today, just you, silence and the sea.'

'Fresh air.' I tell him. 'Sometimes it's nice.'

'Sure.' He says with that unbelieving voice.

'You know what?' I answer back, louder than I expected, 'you don't know anything. Come here and try and tell me I'm sad or scared or whatever. You don't know me.'

'Maybe that's what you need.' He replies calmly, not rising to my bait. 'Someone who doesn't know anything about you. Someone who will just listen.'

'Right.' I say, getting to my feet. 'That's just what I need.'

And I'm gone, feeling his eyes boring into my back as I walk away.

Confusion

What do you do when you love someone and want to share this with them, but you know sharing will hurt them?

The problem I have is opening up. Sharing with people what I need them to know. I hate asking for help. I want people to see me as strong, confident and empowering. I don't want to be seen as The Poor Little Sick Girl. But I need to talk about this, and the killer point is that I expect people to know without being told.

I'm just me, just a friend, I have no right to pull people down by giving them bad news, or telling them that I need help. I've been trying so hard to do this by myself but its difficult sometimes.

So I wish there was someone I could talk to. Someone who would understand, and tell me not to worry. Not to be scared. That everything will be alright.

But who? Who's strong enough? Who could handle that? Who is not going to run away and distance themselves. Because anyone who could open their heart and care for me is gonna get hurt in the long run. Because I've gotta leave this place.

I don't want to hurt anyone. If I get close to anyone then when I go it's gonna be hard on them. But does that mean I have to distance my friends? I'm so confused.