13/05/2010

The Cloud

So I have these perfect friends, in a perfect town, in a life that's pretty close to being perfect, but there's that one little cloud that's always there.
It'a called Cancer. Brain Tumour.
It's called Time Is Slipping Away.
It's called Live As Much As You Can Now, Because There's Not Long Left.

They found it at Christmas. I had a stupid accident involving a skateboard, gravity and a very solid road. And when they were x-raying my broken skull they found it. It took a long time to work out what it was though, it's not a normal tumor apparently. Not that I could tell you, I tend to stop listening when the medical mumbo jumbo begins. I don't want to listen to Timescales and Medicines and Operations. I want to listen to music and laughter and the seagulls crying and the waves lapping at the shore.

The tumor is in the middle of my head and it's stopping the cerebrospinal fluid - which I like to call Brain Juice - from moving around. So I have what is called Hydrocephalus - or in commoner speak; Water On The Brain. Which, truthfully, sounds pretty scary. So in a couple of weeks they want to drill holes in my head and see if they can get it to drain.

And then there's the fact that even if they can drain this fluid, I still have a f**k-off big thing in my head that shouldn't be there. And what's to stop it growing, spreading? What's to say it hasn't already? Cause it has. And that's where the problem is.

If I think about it I get scared. So I don't think. I live for now. I dance, I lie on my back and look at clouds, I run as fast as I can, I read stories that take you away and poetry that makes everything seem clearer, I dream.
I smile and I laugh and I live in the moment.

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